I have determined exactly what would make my 2010 much smoother than 2009 and I can’t rest until I find it. I hope someone can help me; someone with expert internet searching skills, or maybe a cloning scientist with a shrinking ray? Okay, backing up…I discovered what was missing in my life during the movie Up in the Air. It was the first time hubby and I had gone to the movies since …hmmm, wow, actually, it was the first time we had been alone together since September. I don’t know if it was that or the strangeness of finally being away from the kids that created such an unsettling feeling in my body that haunted me throughout the film. George’s character wasn’t helping with his nomadic lifestyle and isolation issues; however, the minute Sam Elliot hit the screen, all my anxiety melted away. Gone.  No butterflies.  No bouncing knee.  Just a slow deep breath that felt like a good scotch was working its way through my blood. I realized then what would make my life easier: keeping Sam Elliot in my purse.

Think about it. When Sam Elliot walks across the screen, even in a terrible movie, there is a feeling that “The Man” has arrived.  Any shit that just hit the fan is going to magically be swept away and the plan for any Fubar situation is going to immediately present itself.  And that is why they cast him. Seeing him smirk behind the wheel of a truck even for a split second in the commercial for the seemingly vapid Hugh Grant/SJP movie makes me feel it won’t suck that badly. I imagine that even my worst day would measurably improve if Sam would just walk through my living room or take a sip of coffee in my kitchen.

Also, I have yet to meet a woman who wouldn’t do him (and those that don’t readily admit it are secretly considering it) or a man (especially one who has seen Roadhouse) who wouldn’t be the bitch in a bromance with him.  Imagine how invaluable that presence would be in life. One day a cranky woman is behind me in the checkout line and she is becoming impatient while I struggle to keep the kids in the cart and my coupons in order. I pull Sam out of my purse, he gives cranky pants his hidden smile, and she melts and ignores me entirely. The bag boy takes extra care with my purchase knowing the man of all men is holding him accountable and the check out woman doesn’t dare ask for my member card; she assumes I am covered. If something ever happened to my car, God forbid, and hubby was unreachable, I could pull Sam out of my purse and feel confident that I won’t be screwed.

As for hubby, say he interrupted me during a story, Sam would just look at him sideways: “Let the little lady speak.” Awesome. If I truly believed my route was the road best taken, I’d pull Sam out. Hubby would have to take my route because Sam is a fucking cowboy!  “Take a left, damn it!” With my children, I would only take him out during those precarious moments in public, like when they are tempted to run between clothing racks. The girls, mesmerized by his baritone voice and twinkle in the eye, would be rendered motionless, void of any mischievous idea. Double awesome.

Okay, I need him. Seriously, does anyone know a guy with the ability to pull this off for me? A man besides Sam Elliot.