I really don’t care enough about golf or Tiger or Nike for that matter to weigh in on all this stuff but it has become so ridiculous that I can’t avoid it.  

I think what makes me so confused is that I can’t even wrap my head around the idea of cheating on my spouse. I’m not talking about the obvious morality issue, what I mean to say is that every minute of a given day I am tired because every minute of a given day I am with my children. For the past month, because hubby relocated early and we were in the process of moving, I was a 24/7 single mom which included sleeping with my children on mattresses, so…no room for that nightclub bouncer or Perkins busboy. Actually because our budget has been so tight with the move, no room for even getting a sitter to go to a nightclub to meet the bouncer, and because eating out with children can be like putting socks on a monkey, I couldn’t tell you if Cracker Barrel even has busboys because that would require peripheral vision.  

Perhaps that is why my ex-hometown reluctant celebrity Quinn Grey (read here) had to be “kidnapped” to have an affair. How else can a stay at home mom pull that off between the errands, the cooking, the play dates, the ballet lessons, and the potty training (I swear hours of my day are spent just wiping butts)? No wonder she got caught and it folded like a house of cards. It is impossible to plan a fake kidnapping heist when you are trying to hold a family together. I can’t even get out of the house without forgetting an extra pair of underwear or my own cell phone let alone remember to check whether or not my fake kidnapper/lover is audio taping our sex for self-preservation. It is so hard to trust people you cheat with these days. But you know all about that, don’t you, Tiger.

I may know nothing about picking mistresses but I know enough to avoid women who have websites. Tiger, if you just watched free internet porn instead of paying for high priced “hostesses” no one would be the wiser and it’s free. But then, I am famous for my frugality, not my drive. Elyn, instead of smashing car windows, ask mistress number one over and have her handle the full Tiger package: babysitting (let them clean baby Tiger’s shit), laundry (let them clean Tiger’s shit), and ask them to do it for free. And while they are there, go get a massage, a new wardrobe, hell go to Vegas. I’m sure Rachel is as good at taking care of toddlers as she is taking care of celebrities. Really, aren’t they the same?  

Assuming you are now entering a forced personal rehab, Tiger, my challenge for you is try to work towards becoming a dad, not just a father. A “dad” wouldn’t cheat on his wife. A “dad” would be too busy being paranoid about whether or not the baby is going to live through the night than whether or not he could make it with a stranger in his SUV without being caught. A “dad” would worry about the legacy he is leaving his children than the tip he is leaving to hush a hooker. Spend less time tucking in Vegas “hostesses” and try tucking your own kids in at night, every night after you feed them, bath them, read to them, clean their room, fold their laundry. Trust me, after doing that for a week, you will be too tired to cheat.