File under exfilm instructor who now only watches kids' movies:

Like most single parents (well, hubby relocated ahead of us and we will be a month behind), I look forward to holiday specials so I can strategically use them to entertain my children while I clean the kitchen, load the dishwasher, program the coffee for my 6am wake up, fold laundry, and a litany of “to dos” before I start the bedtime routine. A week ago on NBC they advertised Merry Madagascar starring our favorite furry New Yorkers. I couldn’t believe my luck. I began a blitz marketing campaign, plugging it all week, promising popcorn and pillowy viewing nests. If only the film lived up to my incredible hype.

The first problem with Merry Madagascar is the story. “Where is Alex’s dad?” asked my four year old. Which inspired me to ask other questions: why are the penguins on the island while they are trying to escape? Where is the ship? Why are none of King Julian’s disciples at the farewell feast, but all were present at the farewell feast at the end of M1? Ignoring the end of M1 and Madagascar II, the creators chose not to begin the tale after the group’s voyage and subsequent redirection to Africa landing exactly at Alex’s birthplace (an implausible navigational error, but a cute story). Considering all the important characters were in M2, there was no reason to go back in time when the story could have taken place in Africa, and could have been an opportunity to highlight Kwanza. Okay, that was a stretch for Hollywood.  Even in kids’ movies, I hate lazy writing. Which brings me to the second problem with M2, missed opportunities.

Kids love the penguins, which is why they landed a development deal of their own and now have a cartoon series. So why in the Family Guy did they not explore the back story of the rivalry between the North Polers (reindeer) and the South Polers (penguins)? We get told that the penguins used to work with Santa but that the reindeer negotiated a better deal. Why didn’t they cut away from the dialogue and show us scenes from that comedy gold mine. There could be countless, hilarious reasons why the Skipper screwed up Christmas with the Big Guy.

Speaking of the Big Guy, I think we can all agree that there is only one Santa. He is the only one who can do the job and do it well. This might be why the writers opted for the flimsy amnesia trope as the cause for Santa’s inability to deliver toys. “Santa’s Furry Helpers”, as a little girl calls Alex, Gloria, Melman and Marty after they crash through her brick house, struggle filling Santa’s shoes but, of course, they pull it off. After all, we can’t have a show about the failure of Christmas. Unfortunately, we don’t get to see how they do it; we just get a montage of prat falls, crashes, levels of exhaustion and stereotypical weather changes that tip us off to what country they are in at a given hour. But to have them barely pull if off, or not pull if off and be forced to return for Santa’s help, is a concept far more interesting and far closer to the spirit of Father Christmas than cutting away from the real action to Santa dancing to “I Like to Move It”. Santa is magical to children because he is a man who has the ability to fly around the world in one night. Alex shouldn’t be able to do that. Ben Stiller with his celebrity couldn’t do that.

At the end there is an opportunity to reveal his all knowingness, but it has as much fan fare as a good mechanic telling Tim the Toolman Taylor how to properly use a socket wrench. My kids and I were left feeling empty with an ending wrapped in a “Huh, that was close” bow and, adding insult to injury, we get kicked in the heart with an “oh well” unrequited penguin/reindeer ships that pass in the night love story. Boo!

Merry Madagascar should be called Messy Madagascar or Marketing Madagascar since I have already seen the double DVD set for sale in Wal-Mart this morning after watching a commercial announcing its availability last night. I asked my daughter, “On a scale from one to five, five being Up, how do you rate that film. “One finger,” she said. I have to agree, although considering I was hoping my kids would have been so enthralled with it that I could have accomplished the world in half an hour, I would use a particular finger to express my dislike to the execs at NBC.